-SO-
Since my last post, I moved to a new area and sadly can't say that I remained Vegan. I started eating fish and then small bits of hormone free full range chicken and turkey but didn't eat red meat or have any dairy for a year. I still struggled with my weight and hit my all time high. I was desperate for change. After the loss of our 4th baby we just could not get pregnant again so we started seeing a fertility specialist. I was diagnosed with PCOS and started treatment. This is about the time that I moved from the beach up to where Rob's new station was and this move and having some sort of answer to my infertility all of a sudden challenged me and I kicked my healthy lifestyle back into gear. I started counting my caloric intake and doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred at least 6 days a week. I also started using Body by Vi shakes as a meal replacement 1-2 times a day. In my first month alone I lost 13lbs! My second week into my second month, October 17, 2011, I found out that I was pregnant! I won't go in to detail about every detail but will say that I was high risk to begin with and almost lost this baby early on too. This cut my workouts out completely as well as my caloric intake had to go back up.
Through pregnancy I maintained quite well. I had to stop work and once I was finally approved to do easy workouts (walking) I did my best to get to the gym at least 5 days a week to walk or do light elliptical. I even gave prenatal yoga a shot and loved it! Right at the end my weight started increasing and when it was all said and done I sadly gained 50lbs putting me at 230lbs. I hate that I let it get that high and am now paying for it, but I did receive and beautiful, healthy baby boy on June 19, 2012!
I lost the initial water and baby weight within about 2 weeks post-baby and that put me down to about 215. I did light walking the first few weeks that I was allowed to and as I could I bumped up the workouts as my body could handle it. I went down to 205 at about 3 months post-baby and just got stuck there. After a few weeks I dropped a few more pounds putting me at 195 and I have been stuck there for about 2 months. This is the weight that I started at when I started counting calories and the 30 Day Shred. My pre-preg weight is 187 and it seems so close yet SO far away!
I have tried a few different "diets" and workouts since I gave birth but I am nursing and any time I drop carbs or calories or work out too "extreme" my supply suffers and my Dr's recommend not dieting until I am finished nursing. This has put a hitch in plan - O! - and whoever said nursing helps you melt the weight off... yah.. they LIED! I have struggled with nursing and my weight has only come off because I work for it! I eat healthy (Eli is lactose sensitive so I have had no dairy in 7 months) and I walk 2 miles 3-5 times a week and go to the gym when time allows for it. I want to believe that the weight will start coming back off when I am done nursing but am definitely not holding my breath.
Now, my plan. This is SO much easier to write than to do, but first things first - I have GOT to be easier on myself. My stretched out scared up belly has left me with below 0 confidence. I hate it. Some days I hate me - not the inside of me, but the outside. I love that it carried my baby boy for me for 9 months but hate that it's absolutely destroyed! So plan 1 - BE KIND TO ME!
Second, I am done dieting. As many diets that I see working for friends, other moms, etc,... I have come to realize that that doesn't work for me. I need to learn moderation. I need to just make healthy choices. Eat healthy foods. Choose smart portion sizes and get some sort of workout in every day no matter how big or small it may be.
Third plan, I have to watch my sugar intake. This is a big one for me - I LOVE SWEETS! Good thing, is that I am able to stay at home with my little man and if I don't buy the sweets at the store I don't have them at the house to eat. I think this has helped tremendously! The bad thing, is that when I do buy sweets I seem to binge eat on them like it's the last box of poptarts on planet earth and the poptart zombies are coming to take them away from me. I will not vow to cut out sweets completely because I know that won't work for me, but I need to work on MODERATION!
Most importantly - I must learn to be accepting and forgiving. I fear that if I accept who I am at this size that I will grow content and never change or even worse - gain more. I fear that if I tell myself I am beautiful like I am right now I will believe it and become complacent and never change for the better. But there has to be a happy medium. I should be able to feel beautiful, confident yet strive to be better all at the same time - I have just yet to find that balance but will continue to seek for it daily. I have to learn to forgive my bad days. The days that I could but don't get a work out in, the days that I do eat a box of cookies, the many days that I don't feel worthy of coming out of my pj's or sweats. I truly want to be an active, beautiful mom for Eli and a truly sexy wife for my husband but it is going to take work - and this lazy girl has GOT to get on it!
I have joined a June mommies fitness Facebook page and they have been a great support system and are always so encouraging. I would encourage anyone with weight/self-confidence issues to join a group like this - a lot of women, all with imperfections striving for a better life, a better self. In this group we are currently doing a challenge. Each day we are given an exercise to do 50 times throughout the day as well as a food type to cut out for the whole week and this week just so happens to be sweets. It can be tough watching women work less and lose more than you while you sit stagnant at a weight but encouraging because you're not alone.
"The impossible just takes a little longer."
